Silence

Silence.

Not a word has flowed through these fingers onto this blog for over 18 months. Not because I don’t have anything to say…those who know me well know that I always have something to say.  Not a word have I typed because The Father has wooed me into the wilderness so that we can be alone…in the quiet…so that I can listen.

A friend once asked me what I liked to read.  I told her I didn’t read much.  She said, “But you are a writer!” I said, “Exactly!  I am a writer not a reader.  Just like I am a talker and not a listener.”  We all had a good laugh.  But looking back, I must have sounded so arrogant and immature.

When I come to the internet, all I hear is shouting and no one is really listening. And I am the chief of sinners in this area.

In my silence I have been reading, listening, and being still.  I have been observing.  My heart has been broken by the way Christians treat each other online.

Furthermore, I have been broken by Him.  Brought to the end of myself.  He has shown me great areas of weakness within myself and in my past.  It is hard to look deeply into the mirror, isn’t it?

Finally, one day when in the deepest of pits I said, “Why on Earth would anyone want to read what I write?  I have nothing of value to share.”

This is where His truths started flooding over me like a refreshing downpour in the summer heat.

“You are right.  What YOU have to share is of no value!  If you possess any wisdom it is from ME.”

What glory comes from exalting one’s own wisdom?  None!  Our nature and our past will betray us every time!

The Holy Spirit keeps reminding me of two scriptures:

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:1-2

“And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.  And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.” 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

Three things I know for sure:

1- I am a writer.  That is how I am wired.  Since fourth grade, I have kept a journal.  That is 28 years of writing!  I learned to pray through the written word.  It is like breathing to me.  The past 18 months I have felt like I have been suffocating, but The LORD sustained me with His presence.  I have learned that what I need more than writing is God’s presences.

2- I am called to ministry. I spent a lot of time worrying about this, because I wrongly believed being called to ministry means working in a church…for a church.  I don’t have a minister’s license or a Bible degree.  The LORD was patient with me.  He asked me to lay down my ambitions and observe.  Now I see that we all are truly called to ministry.  He has shown me how to minister to those already in my life and to do the work that is right in front of me.

“All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation…” 2 Corinthians 5:18

3- I am called to The Small Life. I used to believe that God had BIG plans for me and that I would be an accomplished writer and a speaker. Those things are not bad, but they were MY hopes (and very arrogant dreams).  Again, in asking me to lay my ambitions aside, The LORD taught me of the beauty of living small.  When our plans outshine God’s, we tend to glorify the accomplishment of those plans and the gifts that got us there not the Giver.  I am meant to be small and insignificant so that I can magnify the vast glories of He who gives me value.

“He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.” John 3:30 NLt

So, yes I am back, but with a renewed focus and heart.  I do not deserve this platform, but I believe that The LORD has released me to use it.  I pray that it will bring Him glory and you closer to Him.